I see myself as a tour guide who takes you through the door. The invisible door which separates us from the day to day living in this Body, mind and emotional manifestation, and the source of all of us.
I am an unusual guide. Most spiritual teachers take you step by step on the road to the door and focus first on your personality and all the problems that come with believing that the “I“ is all there is. This can mean many years of therapy, followed with many different spiritual practices. This process fits in with what we are doing in our day to day life. We have been taught to become "somebody", and that survival and success are all what life is about. We feel we will be fulfilled if we become this or that and make lots of money, or if we have a
soul mate relationship. You can fill the blanks in for yourself, what do you believe is going to make you happy? And what do you believe you have to do or become to reach this happiness?
Just let me tell you about my experience and what happened in my life when I reached a point where I started to question. I developed a physical problem not long after I was born. For the fist six weeks of my life I screamed: Touching or picking me up made it only worse and my mother did not know what to do with me. In her despair she took me too many different doctors, but nobody knew what was going on. So a long process of diagnoses, treatment hospitalizations and medications followed. And finally when I was five years old, the right diagnosis was found. This was the start of seven years hospitalization in a special clinic for children with rheumatoid arthritis. It would fill a book if I went into the rest of this journey of my childhood, something for another time. Altogether, I spend 23 years of my life in hospitals and institutions and ended up spastic-paralyzed from the chest down. I lived in a special place for severe handicapped people and when I finally got the message from the doctors that I had only a few more years to
live.
At this point I said enough is enough, I am going to try alternative healing. Not practically the easiest way, but I wanted to live and love before I died. After six years of intense physical and emotional therapy, I started walking again. I can tell you it took all the will power I had to fight myself out of this wheelchair.
Wow! I thought - now I have achieved what I believed would make me happy.
I could not believe it - here I was, sitting in my own flat, able to walk again. But where was the happiness, my pot of gold on the end of my rainbow?
I always believed if I worked hard I could fight my way out of the suffering and the darkness of my life, and that light, love and peace would be the result. But I was wrong. I cried and cried and began asking, if not this, what is life about? It became clear to me that doing, becoming and achieving is not the path to happiness. I played for a little while with the idea that perhaps a man and family will make me whole and happy. But I saw that this was just an other pie in the sky story I was telling myself to achieve this “love” dream.
No - there must be something else, but what? I am lucky that I was given a personality that never gives up, and kept searching for the Truth. And this was the beginning of my spiritual search The journey to find ”The light”,” enlightenment”, peace, or whatever other idea or concept and names I collected on my travels, which lasted for 20 years. And this Alice (me) found wonderland. Not through doing or knowing but by falling into nothingness and finding everything.
Now it is my turn to be your tour guide and take you strait to the door, with no name. This door cannot be opened with a key, secret codes or any force. Our clever ideas are of no use.